Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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