Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
