Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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