my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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