i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
