Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
