when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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