I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
