12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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