I only kidnapped one of them. chill
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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