Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
