They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
