I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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