i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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