I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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