I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
