the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Couch. On fire.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
