I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
