My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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