Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
