my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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