my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
