She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
