He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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