Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
