if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
