Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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