afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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