drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
