Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
