i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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