just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
