you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
