I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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