What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
