We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
