Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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