I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
