Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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