Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize