she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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