then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
