turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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