I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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