There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
