she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
