i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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