Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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