I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
