just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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