as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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