I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
