she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
