Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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