someone threw a dead crab at me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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