ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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