my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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